As we work through the things that happen in life, there's going to be regrets. Many of those regrets are in terms of love. My greatest regrets in love stem from shutting out people in a trauma reaction out of a fear. That avoidant attachment of pushing someone away because they are going to hurt you, irrelevant to if they are actually going to hurt you. I am talking to those people that I shut out for fully good reasons. If someone shows you who they are, and they are going to harm you, that isn't love. 

But I can say that the regrets are becoming more important to process. From a practical perspective you can understand that the frightened four year old within you can't fully navigate the feelings and thoughts they had in that moment of Big T or Little T. Yet, you are no longer four. It's time to find a way to trust someone. The right person will understand that within you resides a few time bombs that you haven't yet found. That's part of cptsd. Similarly, some of those won't ever fully go away, but the work is to be able to acknowledge and process without the old pattern of shifting into fear, freeze and/or run. 

There will be someone that you push away, that keeps coming back to work through it with you. That person who opens their whole heart to you, not for selfish reasons,  but just to love you. That person will teach you who you are, and show you a space where you are safe. I promise you that be it friend, family member, therapist or lover, the love that heals exists in the world. The healing is the work, continuing to gain your life back is the progress. 

You're not hard to love

You're not unlovable 

You're not broken 

You just haven't been loved yet by unconditional love, but you will be

Barbara xx