I do not fear death ... 

It is this life alone that I fear. 

The terror that crept up on me as a child becomes overwhelming when it appears. For most of my life I had duties, responsibilities, which I now see was Spirit's way to keep me busy so that I wouldn't repeat the easy way out like I did in my last life. Yet, for years it has been creeping in again, and now there's nothing but darkness. 

I lived decade after decade a half-life. Not fully there and not fully alive. I put my life and my breath into other's needs as a way to tell myself I was loved. I was beaten, raped, intimidated, fearful. I found someone that was scary enough to stand as the guard at the edge of the forest, but not safe enough to meet my heart where it needed. 

My greatest gift has been the children, my nieces and nephews, and especially my daughter. It wasn't easy with multiple obstacles, miscarriages and one late term loss, but my greatest purpose in life was completed by becoming a mother. Motherhood was the best part of this life. They loved me more than most, but still couldn't see the gaping wounded child that longed to return to innocence again. 

Now, except for the actual death, life is over. So I wait for that blessed day that's going to give me the peace and love of the fire to this body, returned to the ashes so that the winds shall carry me to the cosmic realm. 

Perhaps there if I can make it in divine timing, I won't be forced to return. I cannot imagine having to live another life of poisonous isolation and trauma. I beg for this to be the last. 

I have known divine love in my heart, and it was my muse. It is my legacy. But it also took me through the living death of heartache, and I will never be whole again. 

The rest of my days alone... 

That is where the path has led. 

So I walk like a zombie through the days upon days ... until the finality ... until I  return home.

This is not a threat, or a direct action as in my last life it was by my own decisions and they returned me right into the hands of the devil to continue. Just the knowing that I shall fade away, and be joyous towards that end by the hands of time. No one knows when it comes, but mine shall be met with peace.

I read a story recently of a woman who had lived with the trauma disorder that I have, and in the Netherlands she was granted assisted relief. Such a kindness that our planet should allow for those that do not wish to karmically commit but as doulas for the exiting soul. The work to get through this hell is extremely hard, and the compounded loneliness makes it feel like the mountain already sits a top my chest. 

Maybe I will learn something in coursework that will be the healing process that lies too far out of reach for now. I have a tiny hope for the sake of my inner child finally having a warm heart. For she shows me that she stands, hair blowing in the wind, arms wide open, waiting for the light to appear. 

My deep #Lilith today screams abundance and change, abundance and change!! (Double Gemini) 

Today this is both Taurian energy and Virgo. How do you embody the Divine Masculine archetype of the Lover within the Heirophant? It's a higher love that requires more than just awareness to bring you into your wholeness. Requires ascension to embrace wholeness. 

This Journey of Silence can only begin when the soul trusts Being to take care of things. It allows the soul to drop into deep mysteries hidden beneath perception, which outside of deep meditation and moments of deep pain I only experience in simple terms in nature. I can understand why these different dimensions of silence and stillness are revealed more easily in this state. It also thought about how our Journey of Wholeness interpenetrates with the Journey of Silence, revealing aspects of wholeness and fulfillment. 

When pondering this I saw for a moment in my trees the Vitruvian Man, who represents the ancient knowledge of ratios and proportions present in human anatomy and seems very fitting for the understanding of this process. Do I trust and respect this part of myself? Carrying this as your contemplative practice may stoke the flames of your heart 💙 

The struggle we/I have to heal the inner child is the reminder of the times you fed us cyanide. The poison that taught us that we are unworthy of the love we desired, based on the deep fears and the deep arrogance of being the center rather a part of the wholeness. 

It's so hard to love someone who doesn't love you back. 

When you feel so lonely, crave physical touch and companionship, and yet all you have is an empty space in your heart and your space. 

We are social creatures, which is programmed into our genetics. Even if you enjoy time alone, you require the qualities of being, believing, benevolence, and belonging (according to Dr. Saul Levine), so without belonging, you have a higher level of anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and more. 

Eventually you have to choose ... and it is all a choice. 

To stay alone and hurt, or find a way forward to find a different kind of love. 

No one knows what the lonely people are thinking inside.... but I promise the smile on their face is likely a lie. 

But I know that they don't hold blame for being unloved, at least not to the one they love.... because, in part, they don't actually love themselves. Being unlovable is part of who they believe they are. 

This wounded child that shall grow into the relationships where it loses the ability to unravel the inner clinging to the inanimate Anima. 

Why is today such an important transit?? 

Jupiter and his brothers and sisters fought against Saturn, who had killed their own father, Uranus.  Jupiter wins becoming God, and we have the Spiritual energies of Uranus God and the Embodiment of the Living Jupiter God working as one. Becoming one with these parts of yourself that were once killed by other parts of yourself is hard and important work. 

Again, I looked out the window and saw my inner child being shoved under the water, clinging to my mother. I sobbed for my own. FATHER/GOD who had been killed from my experience, and how greatly I needed him to protect me. The work now is to let that part of him come home in spirit to bring the safety that my heart needs to find the balance to allow myself love that doesn't come with cyanide. Refuse cyanide, because I can no longer let that be the type of death I experience with you. I require the death that is of oneness, duality, into the nondual Being. I only create space for wholeness to live and for wholeness to die. 

This is the moment for Lilith. 

 

When you meet someone who's been treated so badly, it is going to take them a minute to heal. It's going to bring you pain to be the first one to ever treat her right,  but in that growth you will find the most tender love you've ever experienced. 

The abuse she experienced can make her hypervigilant and fearful of getting hurt again. She might be worried about trusting someone new or get cold feet recognizing any red flags. 

The past has eroded her self-esteem. She questions her own judgment and wonders if  you truly care. 

The emotional pain from the abuse can take time to heal. She is likely dealing with lingering feelings of sadness, anger, or betrayal, making it hard to feel open and vulnerable with someone new, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want love. 

It's just that manipulative behavior has warped her understanding of healthy relationships. She is unsure of what real love looks and feels like, and often would rather hurt herself than risk the hurt her heart says she may feel of you pull away, or just don't care. 

There are deep wounds of abandonment and avoidance that she may not even be aware of, and if she is, it takes time for the wounds to be healed. 

You may have to learn to recognize some of the cues that she is pulling away, as she may shut down emotionally when you're really invested.  She may need you to remind her that you are here with her. You may have to touch her gently to make sure she is aware if you being near before initiating a cuddle. 

Healing together can create something beautiful. She is loveable, and loving, and requires just a bit of patience. 

Almost everything today sits in a massive bundle between Capricorn and Taurus. This compaction of little deaths... death to wishes, death to endings, death to control,  death to the masculine mind. In opposition to the Soul Purpose in Retrograde, pushing deeply into the embodiment of our imbalanced spaces. As well as the change of our embodiment with one last fight in the birth canal. 

Every sign is going through this incredible process of death and destruction of what we thought was living. We all sit in zero degrees in some sort of alignment with Pluto and Mars. Where that alignment is rates how deeply this process of death and destruction will hit you. 

Gemini, Leo, Libra and Aquarius will feel this the most. Gemini and Libra sit in Trine with these aspects. Leo is in Opposition to both, while Aquarius is in Conjunction with both. Pisces and Capricorn likely will feel like they are death as this sits at their Midheaven and as such they feel like they are shattering every living part of themselves for the world to see. Cancer is trying to hide their deep ecology of death in this transmission... But it is just this perception that they are hiding from death and destruction.  All of this is hidden under the Moon for all signs as Mercury is talking to Saturn about the blockages. 

The other part of this comes in as we are all working with Saturn and Jupiter this year, and what we see as our limitations are expanding from our fears of letting go and being reborn. That is what this year of the 8 is, and today we are all in 8 degrees in this very sensitive space. 

I keep getting the energy of three, and the last synchronous number I saw yesterday was 333. There are three, connected to three, connected to three. All of it however asks the feminine heart to recognize that it is sovereign justice in the aspect that it is love. All of love resides within it, and in that manner of connectedness is never alone. That has put a lot of pressure on the Divine Masculine. The push pull to caregive for all three entities of us/we/me has almost torn you apart. Your heart as well has desires and unrequited you will be swallowed by this death whale to sail the seas within ... unless you believe the three are connected and cannot be ever fully broken apart. 

My three are all Aries (r). Theirs is Libra (r). Will we find the moment (or molecules Spirit says) in this life to move forward together,  the three? I have hope that love is the key. But the Divine Masculine is driving, and has to choose this path. 

Loved listening to Steve Judd talking about this being the first time Pluto has been at zero degrees Mars. 

 

Here I am ... death again. 

I've died 1,000 times since I met you.

1,000 times come back to life.

Maybe this time is the last. 

I reached into the dirt today, and wished this was all just a dream. So much turning over.this dirt, and filled with so much loss and nightmares of what might have been. 

I die over and over and wonder if you have felt it, or is it just me? 

I hold myself down from growing because I feel so much of this death upon me. Am I the creator of death? What else can I do but let you crush me again and again, to break apart more and more until there is nothing left. Maybe that's the desire for this life... absolute destruction of me. Then maybe I will grow into something beautiful that doesn't drag death throughout the world. Maybe then you will stop crushing me under your cruelty of punishment for being the spark of death with you. 

 

Moving into this new space of energy has been a complexity, and one that called me into working with my shamanic teachers. I worked so deeply for two days, and then day three it was as if I walked into a mist, and the portal entrance was gone. With it, deep emotions arose, and I felt the sobbing in my heart as this was meant to be the start of imagining the life I want to co-create with the help of the universe, and maybe I am not able to be there yet because so much of myself is still working through the death. 

Death is a commonality of what we are practicing. Recently I have also been studying Lurianic Kabbalah. In Sleep, Death and Rebirth, by Zvi Ish-Shalom, from the start I was drawn in with the Lurianic three main events in cosmic prehistory that account for our current state of the universe and our role within it. “He calls these events tzimtzum (contraction or withdrawal), shevirat ha-kelim (breaking of the vessels), and tiqun (restoration). Tzimtzum is the process by which ein sof (the infinite mystery/source; lit. “no end”) manifests a vacuous, “empty” space within which the finite universe is formed”. Shamanic teachings that I have gone through speak highly of the luminous body of light that surrounds us which holds the blueprint of the human physical body, which is so similar to that infinite light that the doctrine of tzimtzum speaks of. Considering where ein sof withdraws itself back into itself, vacating a tiny point within its own vastness that is devoid of the quality of infinity, as this is the light of ein sof reentering this vacuum “and the sefirot (s. sefirah, divine potencies), which exist only in potential in the infinite vastness, manifest and self-organize into a form known as adam qadmon (“primordial human”)” to the shamanic work. The shaman enters that tiny point that connects us to the quality of infinite (no time) in soul retrieval as the perfect part of the self leaves the physical body, and the part that remains (which shamans say is the cause of dis-ease) is the broken part of the vessel. The work of soul retrieval is the restoration of the soul. 

During a training session I found myself connected to this idea of when Adam and Eve’s first thoughts of being was not to their surroundings, but to their personal differences. They had left behind that part of themselves that would let them see that perfection of light, and forgotten the bliss of union. Rather they immediately go into this shock of differences, and try to cover themselves to become the same. And yes, I did make a joke in the beginning of the session that finally the blame was being put on Adam. I want to clarify that I don’t mean “men=bad=shame”, which unfortunately how the aspects of Eve are often classified. However, if we think of the masculine energy as thinking energy, then it is those thoughts that are the cause of our own pain and separation from our true light. Lawrence Fine describes this process of bringing that part back into union with the feminine waters (which I have always felt of as those waters of birth and cleansing in the shamanic practice) 

“Every action done in the world below—the material world—accompanied by concentration on the dynamics being initiated through such action, causes the “female waters” within Nukva de-Zeir to become aroused and ascend with the 288 sparks that were believed to be attached to the broken vessels. It is an important part of the training that I connected to as three is a numerological aspect in the mystical work that I do with tarot, but also in what I channel, and is so much a part of the mystical Kabbalistic practices. It is stated that we come with 613 sacred soul sparks. Numerology, 6 + 1 + 3 = 10 and 1 + 0 = 1. So in the idea that when we reach ten , we begin again, there is both the idealism of the wheel turning in tarot as reincarnation, but also that as souls we have always been meant for that which is being the finite life we are working through. 

The teachings also share that of these sparks, 248 are positive commandments that come with the feminine waters. 365 of these are negative commandments. Both 248 and 365 are the numerology 14, which is temperance or balance in the tarot, and even deeper become a 5. You need both, in union, to become complete, and that was always the purpose of the two, both thought in the finite and the waters of the light of ein sof. She who has birthed and she who seeks to be complete by knowing death. 

The emission of fluid during orgasm in women was described for the first time to the best of our knowledge in the fourth century, and is made up of  primarily water and a small amount of organic solutes. It is a wave of release of the physical body and the hormones, and as we call it "little death", orgasm is also a brief loss or weakening of consciousness. Unlike the male secretion of orgasm, which is also mostly water, but contain mucus and nutrients to allow the sperm that join with the semen to become something called life. The nutrients are not to feed the egg they are seeking, but to feed the sperm to reach their destination. 

Lurianic Kabbalah suggests that the “female waters” act as spiritual “chemicals” which bring about—even if only temporarily—harmony between male and female within the Godhead.” So for a moment, the thinking of being different, being out of sync with our infinite vastness, becomes one. Louis Jacobs has said, "Of God as He is in Himself—Ein Sof—nothing can be said at all, and no thought can reach there." (Jacobs, 1973. A Jewish Theology. West Orange, NJ: Behrman House). Union in such, then, for me is that cleansing of the finite thoughts and the knowing of the infinite vastness of the light of ein sof. 

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In my sacred training this week I started by going into the sefirot, the energy lines of the Tree of Life which are described as channels of divine creative life force or consciousness, and into the lower world to work through the waters to find a sacred guide. It is through these cannels that we can connect with the unknowable divine essence, and the secrets of the luminous body can be revealed to mankind. In the first journey I came to Mother Spider, and she was merged with the Fox. Cunning, and curious, she sat smiling at me as if to ask if I was truly ready for this next part of the journey. The Fox Spider (a type of Wolf Spider) was thought extinct having not been since since late 1990, until recently, which aligns with when I went through my journey to death. Alopecosa fabrilis, is who I saw Mother Spider as. 

She brought me to my teachers, the Blackbird (who had been coming to me for a few days) and merged Blackbird with the Jaguar.  They became one before integrating into my heart. These two are strong guides, who will continue to walk with me through this darkness, and will also have my back. I have nothing to fear on this path. I don't think I would have ever connected these two together, however their frequencies are very aligned.  

I leave this thought: 613 soul sparks, 248 positive and 365 negative commandments. 613 = 10 = 1. 248 = 5, 365 = 5, 5 + 5 = 10 = 1. There is no ending, as the end becomes the beginning, and there is purpose in all things, positive and negative, birth and death, and this finite and infinite require each other to be.