When you meet someone who's been treated so badly, it is going to take them a minute to heal. It's going to bring you pain to be the first one to ever treat her right,  but in that growth you will find the most tender love you've ever experienced. 

The abuse she experienced can make her hypervigilant and fearful of getting hurt again. She might be worried about trusting someone new or get cold feet recognizing any red flags. 

The past has eroded her self-esteem. She questions her own judgment and wonders if  you truly care. 

The emotional pain from the abuse can take time to heal. She is likely dealing with lingering feelings of sadness, anger, or betrayal, making it hard to feel open and vulnerable with someone new, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want love. 

It's just that manipulative behavior has warped her understanding of healthy relationships. She is unsure of what real love looks and feels like, and often would rather hurt herself than risk the hurt her heart says she may feel of you pull away, or just don't care. 

There are deep wounds of abandonment and avoidance that she may not even be aware of, and if she is, it takes time for the wounds to be healed. 

You may have to learn to recognize some of the cues that she is pulling away, as she may shut down emotionally when you're really invested.  She may need you to remind her that you are here with her. You may have to touch her gently to make sure she is aware if you being near before initiating a cuddle. 

Healing together can create something beautiful. She is loveable, and loving, and requires just a bit of patience. 

Almost everything today sits in a massive bundle between Capricorn and Taurus. This compaction of little deaths... death to wishes, death to endings, death to control,  death to the masculine mind. In opposition to the Soul Purpose in Retrograde, pushing deeply into the embodiment of our imbalanced spaces. As well as the change of our embodiment with one last fight in the birth canal. 

Every sign is going through this incredible process of death and destruction of what we thought was living. We all sit in zero degrees in some sort of alignment with Pluto and Mars. Where that alignment is rates how deeply this process of death and destruction will hit you. 

Gemini, Leo, Libra and Aquarius will feel this the most. Gemini and Libra sit in Trine with these aspects. Leo is in Opposition to both, while Aquarius is in Conjunction with both. Pisces and Capricorn likely will feel like they are death as this sits at their Midheaven and as such they feel like they are shattering every living part of themselves for the world to see. Cancer is trying to hide their deep ecology of death in this transmission... But it is just this perception that they are hiding from death and destruction.  All of this is hidden under the Moon for all signs as Mercury is talking to Saturn about the blockages. 

The other part of this comes in as we are all working with Saturn and Jupiter this year, and what we see as our limitations are expanding from our fears of letting go and being reborn. That is what this year of the 8 is, and today we are all in 8 degrees in this very sensitive space. 

I keep getting the energy of three, and the last synchronous number I saw yesterday was 333. There are three, connected to three, connected to three. All of it however asks the feminine heart to recognize that it is sovereign justice in the aspect that it is love. All of love resides within it, and in that manner of connectedness is never alone. That has put a lot of pressure on the Divine Masculine. The push pull to caregive for all three entities of us/we/me has almost torn you apart. Your heart as well has desires and unrequited you will be swallowed by this death whale to sail the seas within ... unless you believe the three are connected and cannot be ever fully broken apart. 

My three are all Aries (r). Theirs is Libra (r). Will we find the moment (or molecules Spirit says) in this life to move forward together,  the three? I have hope that love is the key. But the Divine Masculine is driving, and has to choose this path. 

Loved listening to Steve Judd talking about this being the first time Pluto has been at zero degrees Mars. 

 

Here I am ... death again. 

I've died 1,000 times since I met you.

1,000 times come back to life.

Maybe this time is the last. 

I reached into the dirt today, and wished this was all just a dream. So much turning over.this dirt, and filled with so much loss and nightmares of what might have been. 

I die over and over and wonder if you have felt it, or is it just me? 

I hold myself down from growing because I feel so much of this death upon me. Am I the creator of death? What else can I do but let you crush me again and again, to break apart more and more until there is nothing left. Maybe that's the desire for this life... absolute destruction of me. Then maybe I will grow into something beautiful that doesn't drag death throughout the world. Maybe then you will stop crushing me under your cruelty of punishment for being the spark of death with you. 

 

Moving into this new space of energy has been a complexity, and one that called me into working with my shamanic teachers. I worked so deeply for two days, and then day three it was as if I walked into a mist, and the portal entrance was gone. With it, deep emotions arose, and I felt the sobbing in my heart as this was meant to be the start of imagining the life I want to co-create with the help of the universe, and maybe I am not able to be there yet because so much of myself is still working through the death. 

Death is a commonality of what we are practicing. Recently I have also been studying Lurianic Kabbalah. In Sleep, Death and Rebirth, by Zvi Ish-Shalom, from the start I was drawn in with the Lurianic three main events in cosmic prehistory that account for our current state of the universe and our role within it. “He calls these events tzimtzum (contraction or withdrawal), shevirat ha-kelim (breaking of the vessels), and tiqun (restoration). Tzimtzum is the process by which ein sof (the infinite mystery/source; lit. “no end”) manifests a vacuous, “empty” space within which the finite universe is formed”. Shamanic teachings that I have gone through speak highly of the luminous body of light that surrounds us which holds the blueprint of the human physical body, which is so similar to that infinite light that the doctrine of tzimtzum speaks of. Considering where ein sof withdraws itself back into itself, vacating a tiny point within its own vastness that is devoid of the quality of infinity, as this is the light of ein sof reentering this vacuum “and the sefirot (s. sefirah, divine potencies), which exist only in potential in the infinite vastness, manifest and self-organize into a form known as adam qadmon (“primordial human”)” to the shamanic work. The shaman enters that tiny point that connects us to the quality of infinite (no time) in soul retrieval as the perfect part of the self leaves the physical body, and the part that remains (which shamans say is the cause of dis-ease) is the broken part of the vessel. The work of soul retrieval is the restoration of the soul. 

During a training session I found myself connected to this idea of when Adam and Eve’s first thoughts of being was not to their surroundings, but to their personal differences. They had left behind that part of themselves that would let them see that perfection of light, and forgotten the bliss of union. Rather they immediately go into this shock of differences, and try to cover themselves to become the same. And yes, I did make a joke in the beginning of the session that finally the blame was being put on Adam. I want to clarify that I don’t mean “men=bad=shame”, which unfortunately how the aspects of Eve are often classified. However, if we think of the masculine energy as thinking energy, then it is those thoughts that are the cause of our own pain and separation from our true light. Lawrence Fine describes this process of bringing that part back into union with the feminine waters (which I have always felt of as those waters of birth and cleansing in the shamanic practice) 

“Every action done in the world below—the material world—accompanied by concentration on the dynamics being initiated through such action, causes the “female waters” within Nukva de-Zeir to become aroused and ascend with the 288 sparks that were believed to be attached to the broken vessels. It is an important part of the training that I connected to as three is a numerological aspect in the mystical work that I do with tarot, but also in what I channel, and is so much a part of the mystical Kabbalistic practices. It is stated that we come with 613 sacred soul sparks. Numerology, 6 + 1 + 3 = 10 and 1 + 0 = 1. So in the idea that when we reach ten , we begin again, there is both the idealism of the wheel turning in tarot as reincarnation, but also that as souls we have always been meant for that which is being the finite life we are working through. 

The teachings also share that of these sparks, 248 are positive commandments that come with the feminine waters. 365 of these are negative commandments. Both 248 and 365 are the numerology 14, which is temperance or balance in the tarot, and even deeper become a 5. You need both, in union, to become complete, and that was always the purpose of the two, both thought in the finite and the waters of the light of ein sof. She who has birthed and she who seeks to be complete by knowing death. 

The emission of fluid during orgasm in women was described for the first time to the best of our knowledge in the fourth century, and is made up of  primarily water and a small amount of organic solutes. It is a wave of release of the physical body and the hormones, and as we call it "little death", orgasm is also a brief loss or weakening of consciousness. Unlike the male secretion of orgasm, which is also mostly water, but contain mucus and nutrients to allow the sperm that join with the semen to become something called life. The nutrients are not to feed the egg they are seeking, but to feed the sperm to reach their destination. 

Lurianic Kabbalah suggests that the “female waters” act as spiritual “chemicals” which bring about—even if only temporarily—harmony between male and female within the Godhead.” So for a moment, the thinking of being different, being out of sync with our infinite vastness, becomes one. Louis Jacobs has said, "Of God as He is in Himself—Ein Sof—nothing can be said at all, and no thought can reach there." (Jacobs, 1973. A Jewish Theology. West Orange, NJ: Behrman House). Union in such, then, for me is that cleansing of the finite thoughts and the knowing of the infinite vastness of the light of ein sof. 

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In my sacred training this week I started by going into the sefirot, the energy lines of the Tree of Life which are described as channels of divine creative life force or consciousness, and into the lower world to work through the waters to find a sacred guide. It is through these cannels that we can connect with the unknowable divine essence, and the secrets of the luminous body can be revealed to mankind. In the first journey I came to Mother Spider, and she was merged with the Fox. Cunning, and curious, she sat smiling at me as if to ask if I was truly ready for this next part of the journey. The Fox Spider (a type of Wolf Spider) was thought extinct having not been since since late 1990, until recently, which aligns with when I went through my journey to death. Alopecosa fabrilis, is who I saw Mother Spider as. 

She brought me to my teachers, the Blackbird (who had been coming to me for a few days) and merged Blackbird with the Jaguar.  They became one before integrating into my heart. These two are strong guides, who will continue to walk with me through this darkness, and will also have my back. I have nothing to fear on this path. I don't think I would have ever connected these two together, however their frequencies are very aligned.  

I leave this thought: 613 soul sparks, 248 positive and 365 negative commandments. 613 = 10 = 1. 248 = 5, 365 = 5, 5 + 5 = 10 = 1. There is no ending, as the end becomes the beginning, and there is purpose in all things, positive and negative, birth and death, and this finite and infinite require each other to be. 

 

As I was initially writing this.Gemini sits a 0° in the 6th house. They say that our dharma exists in the First House of our body. Our Karma is created in the body in our Sixth House. Is this the Sixth mystery found in the First mystery of Zachariel? What is the mystery of this six? Man was created on the sixth day by “us”... that is by all things created beforehand. The sixth month is when Gabriel came to Mary. The six reflects this connection we have to the lovers, but also the sixth letter of the Hebrew language is Vav. When Vav starts a Hebrew word its meaning becomes “and”. To me this symbolizes how the energy of 6 is about bringing two together. They also translate it to “now”. As the bible starts in Hebrew saying that 'In the beginning God creates the Heavens and the Earth’, Vav is the bridge connecting Heaven and Earth. This is where we are meant to be in that ever so important space of present moment. Be here now.

So let's take a journey into the blueprint of the Hebrew alphabet. They say these symbols are the DNA of our creation. The first code is “In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth.” This is literally translated as from the beginning to the end. The 22 letters of the alphabet are the 22 chromosomes, and again if we look at that first letter it is the bridge connecting Heaven and Earth in two divinely completed energies. This is about both biology and energy. Science believes eventually the masculine chromosome will no longer exist. So we then must think of the two as energy.

That very first letter of the Hebrew alphabet tells us everything. It implies oneness in both the form and the formless of this energetic we generously call love. 

Within it's very structure is shows us that the strand that weaves throughout all that exists, has existed, would exist, could exist, doesn't exist, and is the number we assign to lovers or the choice of love, but actually is the construct of the bridge that bring us to an infinite number of quantum sparks through a finite moment for two divinely completed energies to align. 

The bridge contains all frequencies from all spectrums, and so it aligns as that. If you do inner work that projects outward, you attract different alignments than if you haven't allowed to let the oneness of yourself be infinite. 

Together this mathematically is 26 or 13 and 13, or 4 and 4, or 8. 

Rebirth (change) attracts similar energies. This always comes from our water center, but is connected to both ancestral and spiritual pathways on the Kundalini plane. This is how the law of manifestation engagement of the wheel happens. The ninth letter of the Hebrew alphabet when combined with one ten, is light coming into our perfect moment of the life container. It is as if when all was being created, seeing the Light after the nothingness and everything of darkness was an awakening. Your awakening is meant for yourself. Nine is the number of self-knowing and self-discovery, which is needed to become completed which starts us back at the beginning. The thirteenth number is also numbered as forty in value and this is the ability of the four to connect with the infinite as zero is nothing and everything as we know. 

Foundationally we all want to control it. Four. On its own, is the number we give to the Emperor, yet it is also the portal, and in the Hebrew teachings is connected to four strong feminine energies, and the four elements of creation. It has movement as a rotation or swinging fluidity of energy. If we look at the third letter which is often called the camel, or the horse, which we associate with the Empress, it almost looks like the energy of the one divine spark pushing the other to become aware of a higher spiritual opening. As such, there is a magnetic pull towards that which we seek, and that which is seeking us. There's no new pathway unless we allow that push to ignite our own creation, which in our masculine embodiment means we must openly be at peace with our feminine awakening. And the feminine must seek to find the masculine part of themselves to gain access to letting their full femininity and creationism awaken. At some point both energies embody the same energies of singular or dual states. 

Eight to me has always shown up as a collective work that we can hyperfocus into me-ism. To me, pun intended, as a symbol of the Hebrew letter, it is the mirrored paths walking always towards that divine love or divine choice to be the origin of love that we all are in the oneness of. It is the bridge that promises the two paths of form and formless that begins and ends it all. Its meaning is life. That says it all. 

Of course, that number 26 is given to YHWH (God) which resides in us all, and once we align to that we begin again. This is the cycle of divinity. All is infinite. Infinity in the fifteenth number in the Hebrew alphabet, which is valued as sixty which is where divine love is always connected to our expansive being, yet as we connect fifteen to the Devil, it also showcases that we will have to also tap into our darkness to find purest love. To get here you must go through the challenges of number fourteen, which is the value of fifty. It takes time and patience to surrender to the shadow work being the way we seek the divine connection to love. 

They also say that the first mystery is that God has secrets. This, they then believe, leads us to the sixth mystery as such that we realize we don’t know what God is doing right now. Again, now is inserted but meaning “and” we are connected to these sacred energies and happenings even if our current knowing is that we are unknowing.