Pain Is The Heart You'll Find

By Barbara Christensen - 1:11 PM


Pain Is The Heart You'll Find

Standing in my kitchen, overwhelmed with the task of packing an entire home with no next place. I find it hard to understand how someone could call themselves their lover and your friend, and yet want you to have no ability to survive when survival is your greatest fear. 

This all started because I wanted to be loved. After a lifetime, likely many lifetimes, I asked the universe to show me love. What it showed me was all of the places I was not being loved. It took me deep into my heart and showed me the darkness. The hurt of betrayal, abandonment, despair, loneliness, feelings so low that you truly stop living. I met death again and again. It stops you from eating, from breathing, even stops you from feeling. 

I have dug and dug and so many remnants of all of the hurt remains stuck throughout my body. I know I have to move ahead, but the trauma disorder says let yourself go. No one will care. The tiny blossom in my heart just wants to grow. I don't feel alright ... and do I feel? 

I have a first date that has nothing to do with love. In fact in many ways it has nothing to do with me. It's a date that could finish me or flourish me. Someone who isn't looking for love, but also hiding from it. Never did I think this would be how my next steps would look, but we can't wait for the love the divine cannot offer. It's the stagnant of drowing in the emotions that eventually will either destroy you or carry you to lands where its all out of your control. My trauma requires something it can trust. I need a hug. I need human connectivity. That something may be a beautiful soul, who has a heart and shadows. If I can trust my essence being open to trust, maybe someone I love will show up. Maybe courage will show up?

She goes left and you stay right .... I've lost a friend and I just lay on a warm rock, the South, the Serpent, waitong for the karmic thorn to be removed. I do pray to God that love eventually in the Lover I desire shows up. The love I dream of is like no other and everything until this is just to keep me from drowning. Letting go of everything you love is maybe the only way to heal. 

I have many first dates ahead. First date with a new place to sleep, which may be my car. First date with court, which is somewhere I never wanted to go. So many first dates that are just going to be moments of meeting the pain within myself. Because I know that none of these are where my heart and soul desire to be. Where I desire to be is leaving me behind. The dream was written and it was a beautiful dream. It's the f$&@ing reality that ended everything else. 

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