I do not fear death ... 

It is this life alone that I fear. 

The terror that crept up on me as a child becomes overwhelming when it appears. For most of my life I had duties, responsibilities, which I now see was Spirit's way to keep me busy so that I wouldn't repeat the easy way out like I did in my last life. Yet, for years it has been creeping in again, and now there's nothing but darkness. 

I lived decade after decade a half-life. Not fully there and not fully alive. I put my life and my breath into other's needs as a way to tell myself I was loved. I was beaten, raped, intimidated, fearful. I found someone that was scary enough to stand as the guard at the edge of the forest, but not safe enough to meet my heart where it needed. 

My greatest gift has been the children, my nieces and nephews, and especially my daughter. It wasn't easy with multiple obstacles, miscarriages and one late term loss, but my greatest purpose in life was completed by becoming a mother. Motherhood was the best part of this life. They loved me more than most, but still couldn't see the gaping wounded child that longed to return to innocence again. 

Now, except for the actual death, life is over. So I wait for that blessed day that's going to give me the peace and love of the fire to this body, returned to the ashes so that the winds shall carry me to the cosmic realm. 

Perhaps there if I can make it in divine timing, I won't be forced to return. I cannot imagine having to live another life of poisonous isolation and trauma. I beg for this to be the last. 

I have known divine love in my heart, and it was my muse. It is my legacy. But it also took me through the living death of heartache, and I will never be whole again. 

The rest of my days alone... 

That is where the path has led. 

So I walk like a zombie through the days upon days ... until the finality ... until I  return home.

This is not a threat, or a direct action as in my last life it was by my own decisions and they returned me right into the hands of the devil to continue. Just the knowing that I shall fade away, and be joyous towards that end by the hands of time. No one knows when it comes, but mine shall be met with peace.

I read a story recently of a woman who had lived with the trauma disorder that I have, and in the Netherlands she was granted assisted relief. Such a kindness that our planet should allow for those that do not wish to karmically commit but as doulas for the exiting soul. The work to get through this hell is extremely hard, and the compounded loneliness makes it feel like the mountain already sits a top my chest. 

Maybe I will learn something in coursework that will be the healing process that lies too far out of reach for now. I have a tiny hope for the sake of my inner child finally having a warm heart. For she shows me that she stands, hair blowing in the wind, arms wide open, waiting for the light to appear.