Death Again, My Old Friend

By Barbara Christensen - 3:18 PM


Death Again

Here I am ... death again. 

I've died 1,000 times since I met you.

1,000 times come back to life.

Maybe this time is the last. 

I reached into the dirt today, and wished this was all just a dream. So much turning over.this dirt, and filled with so much loss and nightmares of what might have been. 

I die over and over and wonder if you have felt it, or is it just me? 

I hold myself down from growing because I feel so much of this death upon me. Am I the creator of death? What else can I do but let you crush me again and again, to break apart more and more until there is nothing left. Maybe that's the desire for this life... absolute destruction of me. Then maybe I will grow into something beautiful that doesn't drag death throughout the world. Maybe then you will stop crushing me under your cruelty of punishment for being the spark of death with you. 


Today I sobbed through the death of Derek Shephard and I see this love that reminds me of us. I remember the day I knew. I remember the first energetic union. I remember our lives before. I know life. I know death. We've had so many of them. Even in this life I have died, and watched you die. I believe we deserve the great love story right now. Being alone is the hardest thing. 

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