One of the hardiest 18 month's of my life took place when my daughter was just eight. We had full days of classes where I was required to be actively at, my iron dropped down to a six which is the lowest I had ever had it, my partner had suffered an iniury and was incapacitated for a year and a half resulting in many days being in the driver's seat for eight hours... and my best friend moved to Alaska. But the biggest struggle of that year and a half wasn't any of these, but the two miscarriages that I suffered through with no sympathy and not having anyone to lean on. 

Of course, this wasn't the first or the worst loss. The worst was losing a child in my second trimester and having not only no one show up to hug me and nourish my soul though the loss, but my then FIL who had aptly bragged about the pregnancy told no one about the loss. All holiday season I was reliving the pain at events when family members would ask me how our plans were for names, nurseries, etc. It felt like I was being punished for not being able to have this child. 

I spoke with an old friend the other day who remembers how hard it was for me to get pregnant, the surgery I underwent to help, the impact being pregnant had on my body, and the impact every loss had on my heart. 

I have grieved many times in this life, perhaps as karma for all of the grief I created in the last life. Perhaps, these are compound wounds as when I was pregnant was perhaps the most potent time's in my life that I felt whole. I have struggled to find that feeling outside of pregnancy as most of the closest people in my connected relationships have ultimately cast me aside, much like they cast aside the heartbreaking loss of the souls I carried that never came to beginnings. 

Capricorn processes it's grief in little bits, pushing emotions out of the way. However, the New Moon in Capricorn is followed by Mercury moving out of the post shadow and into Capricorn. It may feel today like your past wounds and your future self are being tipped apart, and all of the emotion falls out. Mercury has a way of pushing that to the forefront. 

Processing a few of the most heartbroken losses of the past today .. souls that never came into their full beginnings. Wondering if I can ever trust my heart to be opened and loved. Wondering why there is so much pain ans suffering, which Buddha would say is my own human condition... however if mindful meditation causes you to disorder, really Buddha?? 

Capricorn is little bits. All of my bits are slowly falling away. Trying to trust the prcess as it feels like death, and I don't really want to die as much as I feels the death. But I say, Capricorn, I don't want to live this life experience any longer, and if I let go will you bring be to the horizon of the joy that I have sought? I knew it once. It warmed me from the cold. Toying with trusting this long, debilitating path of heartache. And thinking... "Make it so, Number One" ... please make it so.