Sitting in the dark on the night before my wedding anniversary,  watching  "Never Have I Ever" while sobbing with them as they spread her father's ashes. I know the feeling of almost not saying that goodbye.  My father was heavily sedated and almost crossed over when I called the hospital back east to say goodbye.  I had fought with him the last time I had seen him, and then fought with him on the phone the day before. I sat on the phone and sobbed telling him all of the things I would never have the opportunity to say. 

I  was a broken kid then. I had gone through some very toxic relationships,  and been through some of the hardest days of my life without anyone to turn to.  In many ways I blamed him. I felt like he had created the monsters in my life as the templates that I repeated again and again looking for the karmic clearing. I had also met someone that took my breathe away in a way no one had ever- and I was running from that because I didn't feel worthy nor capable of being loved. 

I have to say that I am very smart,  but I get fully in my head when someone breaks through the stronghold into my heart space. I miss every signal until the end. I even missed the clues to my own sexual orientation until I was halfway through this life. I'm definitely demisexual,  and I have to honor that aspect of myself.

So my father passed, and I missed his funeral.  Then my narcissistic ex came back making plans to marry me the following Christmas.  The reason I had stayed away from him wasn't because what I had been saying. The excuse was that he wouldn't marry me, but the truth was that I  knew he would be just like my father and never love me. 

Three months later I had moved in with the man I married. And we made a good life. Created an amazing child. I should be happy. Isn't it enough to have a decent partner?? Am I wrong in wanted to be valued for all I give, all I am, and to be enough for someone to want to grow with me?? I have felt my dad around a lot lately as if he has a desire to protect me in this very difficult path of transformation. As if he wants to help heal the deep wounds he was a part of creating. 

Yet I am sobbing and grieving with this fantasy goodbye.  I have lost myself, and as I find more of her - she's not happy about it. It is part of the release,  and part of the finding of myself that breaks my heart and sends me into tears.

I  binged the "Indian Matchmaker " this weekend and these couples that had been married for thirty plus years were laughing and glowing and I felt robbed.  As I watched how the matchmaking worked I realized that what they all had was parents looking out for their best interests.  Someone that said, "This will be a good match." Never have I ever had anyone look out for my best match at all in life. I can understand now that what I am grieving for is my heart.  I have been enmeshed by servitude in the most unhealthy way. I wanted to be looked after and "loved". I feel what that word means after all.

I am grieving that on the day before my anniversary I know I deserve more. I am a beautiful partner, giving of my heart and soul to the point that I have bled out. I  have nothing left. This last little over a decade finally did me in. I am grieving my own passing. The child that never was allowed to, grown-up too fast, and having spent a lifetime doing for everyone else... I just have to say goodbye to who she's been wishing she could be. She has to be let go of that, and I have to allow the wise old crone to emerge. Time has passed,  and now we must be present. 

The crone will probably end up alone,  but happily tending to her mind. She will value herself, even if it is an isolated emotional affair of one. She may dream from time to time of the kiss that could sweep her heart off it's bearings,  but she won't wait for it to bring her happiness. This day shall be her rebirth,  and here she will love herself in the way that maybe no one else can.

I am going to step off of Facebook,  and maybe step my face away from social media. I will give her a proper time to let her go. I  don't know how long that will be. I  will keep everyone updated here,  and post on IG. 

Until then I will spread the ashes of the full moon 🌝 and acknowledge that it is time. Today she turns inward to heal, for healing is my birthright.