I Think I'm Alone Now

By Barbara Christensen - 1:39 AM


I Think I'm Alone Now

I remember sitting on my husband's lap on this crazy vacation with my sister and her then boyfriend (now husband). Sitting on his lap smiling at the camera as we tried to get a few hours of sleep before pushing out of Las Vegas into California. Probably this adventure was 29 years ago. We lived in a trailer and besides working in a warehouse he had no real ambition. 

I remember sitting on his lap taking a selfie on our anniversary perhaps 12 years ago after surviving a motorcycle accident where he couldn't walk at all for six months,  a knee fracture because he never listens to me and likes to look at his phone while walking,  which he can't do. And this was before he had his first of two shoulder surgeries where each event required more caregiving, and I was glad to do it because when you love, you caregive.

Never did I think that the 31st anniversary would be days before everything crushed in. He had started acting weird and doing things out of nature.  Lying and then dismissing it all like I was crazy. It wasn't a lie just a massive mistake or two. Then the big betrayal happened,  and two weeks later he has chosen someone he has known for fourteen days to come before his wife of 31 years and his teenager.  It seems surreal. 

So I am lying here wondering how do you explain this to your child.  When their father says, "I'm just going out for a few meetings." and never comes back... and now it is 1:30 AM and your child gives up waiting and goes to bed.... how do you explain that? It is classic. The father goes out for a pack of cigarettes... and it is a repeat of my childhood except... and that's the only difference,  I am here.  My dad moved away and my mom would disappear for days on end. How can this man have watched how difficult it was for me to heal and then pull the same storyline on his own child?

Midlife crisis, madderall episode,  or what?? I don't know this man he's become who couldn't care at all about the impact he is having on what should be his world. It is so sad, like watching an accident that you can't stop. All I can do is be solidly here,  because that's what parents are supposed to do. 

I felt so alone this morning but my support group showcased that we're not. So many synchronous events.  We aren't alone even if that's how it feels. 

  • Share:

You Might Also Like