When I was a child I was left alone and sexually and physically assaulted.  My father, the alcoholic left. My mother, would go out partying and not come home for days. So my last part of my abandonment healing that I have not been able to address is that aspect of being safe. 

When I was first married I had multiple freak outs when my husband didn't come home on time. After he was in a serious motorcycle accident when he would be late at work without connecting with me, I would freak out.

We put some things in place and he would share his location or text me when he was leaving.  

Today I  am sitting here stomach in knots as he has gone off into the who knows where with who knows whom and didn't follow the rules. We are supposed to be working with our relationship right now in a very open state of trust.  Trust keeps coming back to me as a lesson about who I am trusting lately.  He said, "Be back soon." ... five hours later... silence. 

So I  sit here trying to breathe,  trying to caregive for our child, trying to ground myself and release the inflammation rising to the surface in my lymph glands and trying to keep my IBS from peeking out of the darkness. And I think, is this it?

Maybe something bad has happened to him.  I don't know.

Maybe he just wasn't thinking (per usual) about my needs and my emotional trauma.  

Either way I  am damned ifnI do or damned if I don't. 

I went back to the basic needs. I ate,  I practiced breathing,  I showered and I  keep reminding myself I am safe and I  am loved. That I  am a grown up now, and I don't need my mother to come home to protect me from the monsters in the dark.

At some point we do have to open up and trust the world.  But you also need to know when it is time to pull back your trust from those that have hurt you again and again. 

Safety first.  That is what we were taught,  but it isn't always what is practiced.