I Am Grateful For Your Pain

By Barbara Christensen - 8:05 PM


I Am Grateful For Your Pain I Mindset Unicorn Tarot

We must only look up into the trees, to see that growth is not a fast process. Growth, comes with pain, broken things, and those that nest with us for a minute, and then are sometimes suddenly gone. The theme for June in my Astro Planner this month is, Communication, Growth and Learning. I could leave this post there, because the last week and a half has been fully embraced in this growth state. Those that have followed me, and have read my books, know that mine has not been an easy life. The path of decades of trauma from birth through the first decade of my marriage was devastating to my body, but exactly what my soul required to become the healer than I am today. Not that I recommend pain as the most effective form of a teacher, but it is a teacher that we should embrace, thank, and set free. 

The last several years of the pandemic have been very hard on everyone around the globe, I am sure, and I know in my own home that is true. My only child without playmates, my spouse struggling to work from home, which made the emotional cloak even thicker surrounding him. Myself, I went inward on this deep shamanic path, and with gratitude had a few friends that went with me. 

As I have had many aha moments, written about in "From The Diary Of Woo" book available on Amazon, I worked with deep shadows, and even deeper soul retrieval that brought my inner child back into my heart space. But healing is a sacred lifelong journey, and for me it was the learning to be there for myself with love, that has broken me through the most dramatic healing yet. 

There are wounds, and then there are WOUNDS. My wounds were not just the past, but I had made them my story. But the past was just a story, and once I realized that, it held no power over me. I gave myself the most incredible freedom this last week - opening up to my spouse about how I felt, and in such coming into my first Pride Month coming out as a Demisexual individual. What that means is that I require emotional bonding from anyone that I am going to be in a relationship with. Even with friends it is an emotional bond, and it becomes something that I hold dearly beyond my possessions. Without that bond, there is no desire for sexual intimacy, which some would find strange after meeting me because I am very Venus energetically. Yet, just because I bond with you, doesn't mean I am going to ask you to have sex with me. That is something people don't understand. 

So in my exploration, I came out to others, those that I felt had a "need to know" so that we could keep our friendships in alignment. That didn't go so well with everyone. The person that had been my closest friend over the last several years in lockdown, just about the only person outside of my family that I had seen, and the one I knew I could text when the world was crashing in on me, walked away for good. I can understand having grown up in a very religious home, and with their own personal trauma, they didn't quite understand I think what all of this meant. But it was as if something within me died. I grieved, and felt sick, and I had Broken Heart Syndrome. I dropped three pounds that first day, and I was inflamed throughout my body. I have never experienced a sorrow so deep. 

I turned to the Shamanic Approach that I would use on clients. I did Reiki sessions, lots and lots. I did journeys with my Spirit Guides, and then I used flushing niacin to clear my cells of the toxic overload of emotional dumping, and activated charcoal to clean it up. Standing on my vibration plate has become essential to shake the trauma out, which is what animals do. Somatic healing at the primal level. I turned to my sacred tribe and was open and honest with them, as I was with my husband, and I was able to move the toxic energy out, and all that remains is the golden cord of love. 

Yes, I still love them. Yes, I forgive them and acknowledge that it was my own inner wound that truly created the shame that I felt inside. I know that in the months and years that follow I will probably reflect on the way I communicated my coming out, the growth that has taken place in my life through this relationship, and the lessons the pain of losing someone I loved has taught me. I am so grateful to it, but also that I have learned enough that I do not need to hang on to that pain, and can let Mother Earth transmute it into something beautiful. My new heart is growing, and the way in which I love and communicate love has expanded into a new level of consciousness. I believe that even if this path was only forged to keep this relationship in my life, it will be the path that gifts me the greatest healing of my entire heart. The gift that lets me live my life forward in the truth of love. This is truly the gift that only deep pain can show us, when we are wounded healers. 

Today I pulled out a few cards. It gave me The Gatherer from my shamanic deck, and The Lover, from the Wild Unknown Archetype deck. The lover is the Swan, who I see as the Queen of Swords, but also the Divine Lover. She holds her golden egg under her chin, protecting it as she moves through the quantum realm. I have been talking about the void, as it came to me in my journey recently - and it is going into my next book. If we think of the Golden Egg as being the cosmic egg, she (the Empress) is protecting the substance of light that Chaos and Darkness create from the primordial darkness. She is in the light. Card 17 in Tarot is the wish, the Star, and right now Aquarius is so important as Saturn is going into Retrograde into Aquarius tomorrow. 

The Gatherer tells me that I need to banish that idea of scarcity. Spirit has told me this that what is mine will still be, but perhaps in a different embodiment than what I that it would be. This came through in the Collective Consciousness Galactic Light Channeled Message Quantum Leap Rebirth video that I did, and so I can remain in the mantra that I created with Jupiter Conjunct Venus: Come Into The Presence Of Love And Let Love Love Through You. The focus is love, the center is love, the creation is love, the birth will bring love. Just not as I perhaps had thought. Spirit has already provided for the path that I am walking, and the solar eclipse was the beginning. 

This pain is my freedom. I am grateful for you. 

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