Sometimes life feels like it is a punishment placed on the one that cares about the outcome the most. 

Many of you know via my books that I have been married for many, many decades.  You also know that it started with a trauma bond, and I have worked very hard to balance it with my own struggles. Over the last several years I have really dug into working on myself, with the intention that it was now or never. I was either going to work on myself or check myself into somewhere to protect me from self harm. So I did dig into the work.

The pandemic of course made it more difficult.  Getting a therapist has been almost impossible.  The only ones available are the ones that don't take insurance. I had to rely on my shamanic family, and the friend I had found through the grace of God. This was my anchor to the light of the divine. 

Do I wish that friend and support was my spouse? Of course I do. However, I can tell you that my existing as I am in my real being (dyspareunia, IBS, childhood trauma,  enmeshed with my family, demisexual, recovering addict) became a deep dark wound for my spouse. As I tried to create options to make things easier for him, what I found was that there was probably nothing in me that would become what he wanted  - except for me to suck it up and be what it was he desired. He wants what is "agreeable" which feels an awful lot like on his terms or by my demand which will be used against me later. All of  this has made my ability to do anything but parent and sself-care out of reach. My support groups halted,  my classes, halted, and my writing halted. Even appointments for the doctor had been halted to try to hold myself together. When I needed a friend the most,  my being and my truth pushed that away as well. 

What is the definition of friendship? It has been defined as a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. I am asking for intimacy, which requires the emotional heart and there develops trust.  The trust when it is broken,  and when there is a lack of emotional understanding  - then sex itself doesn't necessarily mean anything but a biological action that the demisexual being cannot give without extracting more trauma. So in the aspect of the break in monogamy,  if sex outside the union is about being who you are seeking to be with someone who "feels like they get you" what does your partner become? Just the one that carries the heavy burden of putting on a happy face and taking care of everything like a business assistant or personal secretary... or worse yet household manager and nanny. 

And  - perhaps the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine energies can't just be friends either.  So I had to walk away through the shards of glass that rip throughout my inner emotional and physical body. 

I went you to know that you are not alone.  There are probably so many of us "ones" out there... and you must love you first. The song One says 

"One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do, Two can be as bad as one, It's the loneliest number since the number one"

If you are "one' yes you are singular,  but also something is indicated saying you belong to some grouping. It isn't nothingness, but somethingness. That is what we have to hold onto. 

That and my peppermint beadlets because the inner turmoil will take a minute to make it through this journey.