Fear Of Myself

By Barbara Christensen - 3:49 PM


Fear Of Myself

It took me  so long to truly find myself. Once  I did, she took a lot of work to heal. Sitting here watching 'This Is Us' and Sophie says, "I realized  I can't fast forward through you." 

It hit me. If I /we were divine - yin and yang - I  can't fast forward through me anymore than I can fast forward through you.

I wish I could.

I am most afraid of the long drawn out process of finding out that I was never who I thought. Which means neither were you.

Everything is changing. 

What if on the other side of this there's no union.  No me. No you. No truth.  What if on the other side of this I have to sit watching the story and it isn't us. What if there is no right place or time  ... for eternity I am just meant to go through the work of finding me, finding you, and lifetimes of this. First living like I have died inside. Coming to life, to die an even darker death. 

This is the fear I carry of myself. I am so afraid that the me I  have become with you will never be anything living. Do we awaken to fall further and further apart? I carry you, and I fall apart for you. Broken apart like tiles to make a beautiful new design.

As I write this I check the soup that is cooking.  Four minutes and forty four seconds to go. The final drive of the four directions awaits.  When  we have shed our karmic debts and adapt to a new beginning, a new day. In love, it tells me to trust my inner knowing that has been pointing us in the right direction.  I have to believe it is exactly what is meant to be.

My heart, my fear. My heart, so aware.

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