When I started college I was just 17 and in a very toxic relationship. The only time I had for myself was when he was also in class. I was taking the courses my mother wanted me to take, and so before I knew it I was sitting every day in the student lounge lost in the TV stories rather than in classes. I failed out by the end of the first year and my mother refused to pay for any more classes. When I tried to explain, of course I had "asked" for those classes and wasted her money and my time. When I caught my boyfriend cheating on me it was my fault, not his. I had been raised as the guilty party.

I didn't realize then how I had spent most of my life being gaslit. The term gaslighting refers to “the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings.” This was all I had known. I wasn't having my needs met, but I also didn't feel worthy of having my needs met.

I was today years old when I realized that pattern continues. I have a Certified Personal Trainer certificate that I completed while homeschooling my six years old, and running my husband to and from work, feeding a household and starting a business. I have a Diploma in Nutrition that I finished doing the same period over those several years. I have run the largest vegan W30 support group on Facebook for over a decade.

Do you know who my spouse of several decades takes advice from for fitness and nutrition? His doctor, YouTube celebrities, Reddit and Facebook groups. Generally it is what I have been telling him for years and when I mention that he doesn't believe it.  I have also for years been told by him that if I just changed my macros, exercised more, listened to so and so that I too could have a successful transformation. When I mention my adrenal fatigue, the lack of time running a business and raising and educating a child, the answer is usually something like "Well I get up earlier. Why can't you??" 

So now I am laughing because here he is doing all of the things I told him to do that were too basic - and it is perhaps the day I realized that I don't need the validation anymore. I realized one of the greatest gifts that my divine counterpart gave me was the gift of listening and acknowledging my worth. Yet it feels good to see that's the advice I had always know was right, is the advice he will be following now. 

You aren't crazy but you are reliving the cycles of childhood trauma over and over until you learn the lessons.

You are worthy of growing from the love you never allowed yourself to seek. Talkspace says, "Because gaslighting can alienate us from our own thoughts and feelings, the first step is simply listening." Listen to your thoughts and validate yourself. It can be hard to overcome but living in the shadow of "gaslighting" is the number one cause of self sabotage and fear of success. It is the number one cause of imposter syndrome. You can be high achieving and still deeply feel like a fraud, and sabotage yourself as proof.

If this speaks to you then it is time to create a new healthy culture. Trust yourself and the gift that you are. Plant a seed in your heart that believes you are here for a purpose, and then surround yourself with those that believe in your mission. To create the home you love every day, you must create it first from within.

I hope to see you in the Zoom Heart Opening Cacao Ceremony on February 13 2022.