About three weeks ago I had a boomerang I had thrown out early in 2021 come bounding back to me. I had ended a 28 year friendship, and with it two months later ended another shorter term, but just as important friendship. I was learning how to hold space and set boundaries, which was very new to me. 

Several hundreds of miles away, another friend that I had not spoken to in at least two and a half decades was learning similar lessons. And in that space, she found me and reached out. 

Here I sat, holding this chess piece, uncertain if I was winning, restarting the game, taking my first move... but it felt like something that was just meant to happen. Right time, right frequency. 

When she and I were free, primal, wild women, we met some amazing guys that just happened to be in a rock and roll band. (Okay we met many bands, but there was one that was special) During this time we were both growing up, and coming from immensely dysfunctional upbringings. One of the guys that taught me the most in the midst of this was taken far too soon from this earth, and the pain was just too much. She and I broke apart, and the last time I saw any members of this band, it was too much and I pulled myself away and never turned back. I saw them without her that last time, and these four photos are the last that I have of any of us in that time frame. Two and a half decades where I just walked away from the people that had meant so much to me during some of the most awkward growth periods of my life.

I told the story of her and I ending our friendship many times over the years, and the energy was always that "if someone doesn't want me in their life, I am not going to be there." Wow. What a load of BS. It was an easy out. I had a broken heart, she had a broken heart. I found a space to hide my heart, and I ran. See, when we are that person that doesn't like to feel, we run. This is the runner's energy. Every wonder why they run away?? We run when we feel. Most of the time those feelings are fear of being hurt, again. If it is a very toxic relationship, keep running. But when it means something, I hope by sharing this you will stop and stand there until the fear subsides. 

I loved Timmy, the bass player that died, like the brother I never had. Oh, I had brothers, but they were never loving and caring like he was. I loved the band members and crew, as they were some of those crazy best friends, you know the ones. If you have ever seen 'St. Elmo's Fire' - they were those kinds of friends. I made friends from all over the world, photographers, dancers, musicians, philosophers. They saw the good, they saw the ugly, and they saw the crazy. Of course as in every story, or fairy tale, ever told throughout the ages... there was the one that stole my heart. I loved him, as he was a soulmate that was very special to me. It took me forever to get over that love, rather than fighting for it. I hope that I am open in my tarot readings about the fact that love is worth it, most of the time.

But out of all of that, of course, I loved her, my friend of so many years, like the soul sister, the twin that I had always had missing in my life. We had literally grown up together. She knew me more than anyone else knew me. And that, is what scares the fearful heart most of all. At that time, I was moving into that rut in the road, you know the ones that the big semi trucks create. The space where I could turn on the autopilot and just let it drag me along. I feel into that rut for the next two decades until I started to wake up. 

My awakening was slowly coming on over the last maybe twelve years, and in early 2019 I was shook awake by Spirit. There was no longer an ability to deny that I was in a cellular and energetic shift. This would cause me to literally cut and run a year later, cutting my hair off to chin length and leaving social media to start my YouTube channel.  

This running energy came to a head at the beginning of 2021 when I realized that I push people that mean something to me away, and I keep the people around that I can fix and work on rather than working on myself. Such a big lesson that I needed to open myself up, and Spirit had been banging their head against a wall as you can see for a very long time. Spirit may have enjoyed banging their head against the walls at the Anthrax, Slayer, Metallica, and all of the other metal concerts I went to. But I doubt very highly that this was the fun kind. Working on me until I was ready to come to shamanism, which I did over the last several years, was a long, tiring journey. I thank them for never giving up.

So the other night I talked to my long lost friend and it was healing. I am grateful to have the closure, and the new beginning. We are on a new journey, and we are both in different places, but it felt like coming home. There is nothing that can mend your heart if you won't pick up the needle and thread. Today I am mending. 

Today I am also though missing other friends, and maybe some of that space will open now, too. Until then, I will honor the emotions and hold space for what may be.