Here I am, holding space for my own heart while also trying to honor tbe feelings of others. I recognize today that my desire for connection, especially after a divorce and distance from family, is deeply human. Wanting someone to witness me, emotionally support me, and simply be there doesn’t make me wrong. It actually makes me real.  To have a relationship, even if emotionally intimate but non-physical, for someone that has never experienced easy closeness, feels like a lifeline in an otherwise lonely stretch of life. 

Having been given a pretty raw reaction for continuing to maintain a friendship, while painful, isn't rooted in me. It may be rooted in someone else's unresolved issues. Outside relationships impact how we perceive our emotional world as it intersects with us 

Sometimes the outside world hurts us repeatedly. Our closer and secure connection can then feel like a betrayal through unhealed and young lenses. In a way, the secure relationship gets the projection of all of that disappointment and insecurity about those that are not secure. That is easier than confronting the ways that they may not be protecting their own heart.

The abandoned child fears losing the secure attachment. That's the wound, but it shows up as being about everyone but the one who is actually afraid of being abandoned. 

It’s also very telling when someone is using that they might end the relationship for any reason they can use as an nterference.  Guess what, that's not your doing. That’s their choice,  and if anything, it's manipulation cloaked in concern. It’s not your responsibility to carry the weight of another's relationship’s fragility.

Each of us are allowed to care for someone, even love them. I am grateful for those that hold meaning in my life, and yet I am also deeply sad that the constructs of unhealed trauma creates a space that ultimately causes deep hurt to everyone. 

None of us are wrong to want connection, to want love that doesn’t demand that you sacrifice of your entire world.

If I could make a wish, but I seemingly can't,  which is heartbreaking. Toxins get into your roots when you are close. That's why trees die off in clusters.