I have had some major struggles this week in my personal healing path. We are all working with this energy of Saturn trying to hold us down, but Uranus in the final square is breaking through the resistance. The key here is not just to be open to understanding and healing that inner wounded child that created that space of hurt, but to understand where you may have also been the one that acted from that space with others.

I have been taking part in a sacred space for months, and doing the work that I have needed to do for many years. I went into this space walls down, which is the rarest energy for me to be in. Even in my closest relationships I have walls up. Some people that I trust have been given windows into my soul, but it is the doors that I almost never open up to others. 

You can see this in my hand, because I have been working in Shamanic Palmistry for the last year, and my life hand shows that I am fiercely independent, also known as fiercely walled and guarded. But in the sacred space I took down the brick wall, opened the doors and windows and let my truth fly like a flag in the wind.

Last year I finally did this similarly with a friend that I had been friends with for almost three decades, and found myself shut down. In a phone call she did the phone equivalent of telling someone to shut up by hanging up on me. This is what my mother has done to me my entire life, shut me out when she doesn't agree with what I have to say.  So I occasionally give someone a window to look through, but never open the drapes or the doors. It was so hurtful to put that trust out there with someone I loved so deeply, and the wound was created. My response was to cut her out of my life. That is what trauma creates in those of us with trauma. You can have buckets of trauma, and you can have dump trucks of trauma. They feel the same internally, but the more trauma the longer the path feels to dig yourself out. 

At this time I was on a break from social media, delving into self healing. With my addiction of the internet gone, but the need to numb the pain, I turned to the old trauma glue to put the bricks back in place - rum. I was hurt, and hurt people then hurt people. At the same time that this was happening, another friend took a step back from our connection. It made the little stream of hurt I was already going through into the grand Amazon river where the meeting of the waters takes place. Even through these were two different situations, to me as the two ran side by side, I was in the chaos of the emotional journey where the black river and the green river where merging together. One river had been toxic for years and the other a little toxic just due to inner codependent issues. As the garbage of the one, finally mixed with the garbage of the other I could no longer see the differences between the two, and I ended up doing the hurt I had been taught and I blocked them both.

So this week in my sacred space where I was being fully open and honest in how I had felt triggered the week before and several other times, but I had been able to put that aside and learn from it, one individual told me to "shut up". I spent the next 72-hours off and on crying as the wounds of my inner child unraveled and I gave over to the pain of being overlooked, undervalued, not being heard and not being able to say what needed to be said, being shut down, hung up on, and I went back into the space of being retraumatized as that little child who was sexually and narcissistically abused for two decades. I went back into that child that as an adult built up a city of walls surrounding her so that she wouldn't have to love, or be loved; and thus could not be hurt. 

However in those tears where I couldn't even open myself up to meditation or the journey space - even if I was listening to them and trying to move myself out of the body into the space of true self, I realized that I probably had hurt those friends by virtually telling them to shut up, by blocking them. Instead of holding space and just letting them do them - I went into inner child masonry mode and closed everyone off. To be honest, I had probably been trying to fix the one friend for those three decades, and it was a very one-sided connection that was there for the lesson of putting myself first. Yet for the other, I feel regret because I did not hold space. My hurt child lashed out with a handful of sand on the playground, and I hurt their hurt child. It is a cycle that continues until we absolve ourselves of the inner pain and truly learn to break down our walls while holding distance and space for others to be and learn what they need to.

This is the empath and neglected and traumatized child's greatest learning process; just hold the space. What my inner child wanted this morning as we cried, was for the pandemic to be over, and to go out into the world and laugh, hug, speak, have a cup of tea, enjoy the sun on my face with a friend, tear down the walls, and love and be loved. She wanted to be heard, honored, and held in the space of allowance of her feelings and life experience. Try to remember that the next time you shut someone out, what is happening within that your hurt child is asking for.