The Giant Paws that broke the camel's back... it's sad but true.

Several months ago my soulmate dog (and I have loved all of my dogs, but Oliver was special) had a sudden passing. The last couple of weeks I decided a dog was out there for me.

I met dogs... Tiny Dog, with the world's biggest name, was a version of Oliver if he had been shrunken and lived on the streets for years. He was territorial and scared my kid, and she had to come first.

Then came Nala.

She was Oliver if he weighed three times what Oliver did. She was a great walker, loved car rides, gave me paws, and rolled over for tummy rubs. But she had trauma and couldn't handle being around other dogs.

Suddenly I was in the storm.

One daughter whose doggy daughter needed my protection, and another daughter who really wanted me to keep her. And Nala loved on me while I cried the entire night, knowing that this beautiful, sweet girl wasn't the right fit for our home.

In the midst of this, I'm dealing with another soulmate connection that I don't want to lose. And somehow these giant paws broke open everything I've been trying so hard to carry.

The grief of losing Oliver. The fear of losing another connection I love. The guilt of disappointing people I love. The ache of having love for this sweet girl.Nala who truly has done nothing wrong, and still knowing that love isn't always enough to make something work.

Maybe that's what finally broke the camel's back.

Not Nala.

Just too much love, too much loss, too much uncertainty, and a heart that has been trying very hard to hold all of it.

Sometimes the most loving choice still hurts.

And sometimes you cry all night because there isn't a choice that doesn't hurt someone, including you.

So today I'm letting myself be sad. I'm letting myself miss Oliver. I'm letting myself love Nala enough to admit that she needs a home where her needs can be met safely as I wait for the call to take her back to her foster family. And I'm reminding myself that letting go of something I love doesn't mean I didn't love it enough.

Sometimes, painfully, it means exactly the opposite. I pray for her to be loved and at a home that works for her and that she lives a beautiful,  long happy life.