My therapist asked me what I wanted. I said I had to think about it, but I know what I have always wanted in this life. The answer is love. 

I must have felt love in the womb. No, not because of a mother's love, but I was a twin. When I was born, love was taken from me. The two people that I know for a fact that love me, in part love me for who I am to them, not who I am to me. This mirrors the relationships in my life. Almost all of the people that have told me that they love me, I mean something to them, to have patience while they process themselves, they have made the choices that show when I need their love, that my need is too much. I am not to be loved. How could that not be true, if everyone that I have asked to be there - it's always conditional. My twin, just loved, unconditionally. My twin had the capacity to just hold me, in my messy state, which I know is true because I was born very sick. Yet they just made space for me. I am waiting for the space to be made for me where I don't look into the other person's face, and recognize that they've already checked out. It's the most tragic moment to bare your heart and soul and what comes back is the message that you haven't been heard or seen. 

The lesson that started my life was that love is taken away, and thus everything else will be taken away from you to make sure you are unlovable. My twin was taken from me, then my father was taken from me, then my innocence, and then my mother. My hopes, my dreams, my choices, and my rights - all taken until this was the shell that was left. It's hard to know that those that I have known as family,  the ones that should be the closest, the friends that should understand, don't. Even worse, to have people you secretly depend on, walk away when you need them the most. 

I know how to love, and yet when I have asked to be loved in that unconditional manner, it is taken. This reinforces that construct that I am not lovable, nor worthy of love. I am loved and cared for, in the way that is pure, only in the moon and the stars. Only in the Cosmos, the essence of Pachamama, Eros, past dimensions, there despite the messy alchemy of my energy, the disordered frequency, the spaces that are missing like the spots on the brain scans of those with dementia, the forgotten parts, they are loved for exactly what they are. 

It's like my friend's dog looking for her mom during the day when she is at work, and the dog is here. It's a pining for a love that you know, but it is gone. 

Why do we dissociate, disconnect, Hermit, let go, swallow our feelings, and crumble within it alone? The answer is love. I have to love myself, which is painful to do without physical touch from another human being. Even after years in a nurturing environment, the effects of early childhood deprivation can persist. Studies, including research published in Development and Psychopathology and a 2005 study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, have shown that children who experienced early neglect displayed different levels of oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones crucial for social bonding, despite an average of three years in a family home. Alison Wismer Fries and her colleagues at the University of Wisconsin–Madison concluded, "This environmental change [into a home] does not seem to have completely overridden all of the effects of early neglect."(1) 

Eventually all that you have left is the grief, and the space that you create for yourself. Bleak, and gloomy, yes. But there is an honesty in realizing that. I once read, "Our alone time is imperative while we work ourselves out again, while we shift into our new healing and awareness for life." Perhaps that is what this life is. The preparation for the next. (hopefully in a dimension without this trauma-filled Earth school)  But the only way to get there is to go through it. I imagine that those that have turned away from us also don't feel lovable, because they deprive themselves from the love that you offer.  They too are in preparation, but I guess for a different path in a different life. There are few people who will understand this, because only those that are evolving their heart will know this. There are beautiful quotes in 'The Three Waves of Volunteers' that I will share: 

“Explain: the evolution of the heart and compassion is what is missing technically. ... So we are here to evolve heart first until the heart is aligned with this knowledge.”

“The ones who are prepared to see these changes and not crumble in fear will be the pillars on which others will lean when nothing makes sense to them. It doesn’t mean you will provide the truth to them, it just means you are not falling down like they are.”

― Dolores Cannon, The Three Waves of Volunteers and the New Earth

Or perhaps you are not falling down in front of them. You fall down alone, because in that aloneness, that solitude, where you love yourself in the way that they cannot, until you find that the moments you are alone may be when you are the most connected to the source, oneness, the energy that is everything and everyone. Emotions are carriers of energy. Research, particularly from places like the HeartMath Institute, has shown that the heart generates an electromagnetic field that is influenced by our emotions. These fields do have frequencies. The intricate organization of human subjective feelings has long remained a mystery. In a recent study, they aimed to map this "human feeling space" by examining 100 core feelings, spanning cognitive, affective, and bodily domains. Utilizing a combination of dimensional ratings, similarity assessments, bodily sensation maps, and neuroimaging data, we discovered that all feelings are inherently emotional and that mental and physical experiences are deeply intertwined. (2) The study revealed five distinct feeling categories: positive emotions, negative emotions, cognitive processes, somatic sensations, and homeostatic states. The structure of this feeling space was best explained by emotionality, mental experience, and bodily sensation patterns. The subjective similarity between feelings was also strongly linked to basic emotional dimensions and bodily sensation maps. This research shows that human feelings are not a chaotic jumble, but rather a structured, emotional, and embodied system.

This is the core to know about embodiment. Embodiment is the knowing that all of these emotions are connected, and so maybe you are feeling the hurt and the longing for a world that doesn't understand how to tap into these deep emotions in the way that you do. The body is the emotions, as mapped, and the soul is the structure and not the other way around. Just something to think about for those of you that feel as alone in the world as I often feel. The truth is that you are the frequency of love even if you don't see that in the physical realm. It hurts, but look at the alignment, as I don't think anything is coincidence. 

You drink, you urinate, you have satiation, it then produces breathing which opens up your heartbeat. 

You go into your mind and you're estimating, which sounds weird, right? Estimating, in and of itself, isn't a single, distinct emotion but considered a cognitive process that can be accompanied by a range of emotions, depending on the context and the potential outcomes. This could incorporate: 

• Confidence: If you're estimating something you're familiar with, or if you feel you have the skills to make an accurate estimate, you might feel confident.
• Anticipation/Excitement: If the estimate is related to a positive outcome (e.g., estimating the time until a vacation), you might feel anticipation or excitement.
• Satisfaction: If your estimate proves to be accurate, you might feel satisfaction or a sense of accomplishment.
• Anxiety/Worry: If the estimate is related to a negative outcome (e.g., estimating the cost of unexpected repairs), you might feel anxiety or worry.
• Uncertainty/Doubt: If you're unsure of your ability to make an accurate estimate, you might feel uncertainty or doubt.
• Frustration: If you're struggling to make an estimate, or if you feel you lack the necessary information, you might feel frustration.
• Dread: when estimating the time it will take to complete a task that you dislike.
• Stress: when estimating something with high stakes.
• Curiosity: You might feel curious about the outcome of your estimate.
• Focus/Concentration: The process of estimating often requires focus and concentration.

(1) A.B.W. Fries, T.E. Ziegler, J.R. Kurian, S. Jacoris, & S.D. Pollak, Early experience in humans is associated with changes in neuropeptides critical for regulating social behavior, Proc. Natl. Acad. Sci. U.S.A. 102 (47) 17237-17240, https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.0504767102 (2005).

(2) L. Nummenmaa, R. Hari, J.K. Hietanen, & E. Glerean, Maps of subjective feelings, Proc. Natl. Acad. Sci. U.S.A. 115 (37) 9198-9203, https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1807390115 (2018).