The energy showed that something was being hidden. Never did I think it was as deceptive as it was. For over two years I walked a tightrope to keep from overstepping my friendship or being overcome by emotions.

I obviously invited this into my life as the perfect storm came, to race through old wounds. I can't blame the timing as being thrust upon me, and yet I have never been as broken down by a connection as this made me feel. I have healed so immensely through this but it has also been deeply painful. We get torn apart by the storm so we can be put back together stronger.

What I found out after everything I was being told on the surface feeding all of my guilt ... that I had in some way overstepped or made this amazing person feel badly in some toxic way I couldn't see.. the entire time I was trying to respect these boundaries, they were a lie. It was always a lie. From the beginning I was never given the truth, and I always thought the dark undertow was me. So dark that I wanted to end myself. I am sharing my story as a lesson to anyone that thinks what is being unsaid is the energy of light. This was not that.

What I found out was that the entire time I thought perhaps they were struggling too, instead it was a game. A game that has been a repeated pattern for them again and again, and that I was nothing but that karmic pattern playing out at my expense. I cannot ask for repentance from someone who doesn't see their wound is projecting pain onto others. When someone cannot heal, and they keep repeatedly harming others for pleasure, learn the lesson and cut the cord.

This painful truth brought me perhaps to my final lesson of this karmic cycle ... self image. It isn't the most painful of what I have gone through in this soul journey, far from it. But it still takes another chunk of my ideology and I let myself drown that in Good Crisps and chocolate as I heal. Perhaps I am sabotaging my body progress as punishment as I work through the emotions I had hidden so well from myself. But I applaud myself that at least it isn't rum.

The truth is that when I was little, due to my sexual abuse and my absentee parents, I sought out love instead of friendship. I wanted so deeply to be loved, and to be liked. Unfortunately again and again I was given the lesson of not fitting in. Always unrequited. I have never found a connection that just seemingly accepted me as I am, no expectations or contracts. Never someone that could really offer me the whole package.

There was the gorgeous rocker who stole my heart and soul, but who was never going to fill my sensual connection. There was the soulful artist who connected with every atom of my physical body and my heart, but was never going to embrace me being a part of their social circle.

See... here is the 3D truth....

I am not as tall.

I am not as skinny.

I am not as pretty.

I am not as funny.

I am not as smart.

I am not as abundant.

I am just not enough to have it all, so I have to work extra hard to hide all of that from the world.

That is the lie I had repeated over and over again.

I found a sanctuary in marriage because I didn't force his emotional boundaries and always supported him contractually in every way except our lacking emotional intimacy. I am demisexual which means I cannot hold that space where there is no emotional connection.

I learned how to let my friends be my emotional anchors, hiding my flaws behind my sanctuary. I let my marriage be my safety from sexual and physical abuse, hiding my pain and craving for warm emotions.

That worked until the moment I call binary revelation. That was the moment the darkness saw the crack in my aura and it walked right in.

But unbeknownst to me in that moment the Universe or God spoke directly to my soul and told me I was able to be seen, and equal in all parts; and I have been a work in progress since then. Working on the miracles to teach from my lifetimes of experience, I took on every lesson. I felt understood, energetically and physically connected and even loved; and so it was worth it to walk this line. I thought that this lifetime of hell was finally almost worth it. I could take several years of awkwardness and learn how to be friends with someone that completes me. This I could do to be loved.

Now I know it was none of that and the love God spoke to me of in that moment was within. I had to look into the darkness to see the darkness in me. I am certain now that I am worth all of what I desire and need. Like the Japanese art of kintsugi, I have filled my darkness with golden love. All of it. I don't know what lessons were learned on the other side but I came out with a daily mantra to the Universe and beyond.

I hope you are loved.

Know you are loved.

I know I am loved.

I send it out every day and walk away knowing that I am more than enough. We are each perfect miracles and I must love myself and that perfection and as such my world will reflect that perfect love back in many beautiful ways.

We asked for the truth Divine Hearts. The truth shall set you free.

Being in your heart sometimes means you work on regaining balance, while there is chaos within, looking fine on the outside as you move through the dishes, laundry, meetings, parenting, lunch dates... looking like you're great but nonetheless you are barely tending to your emotions within. This is the fire.

Being in your heart sometimes means you cant get out of bed, and while it looks like depression it is actually falling apart at the foundation of your primal being, uncertain of if you will find yourself again, and in some moments hoping you won't. This is the water.

Being in your heart can be dancing your heart out, pumping those weights, walking five thousand miles not to reach another person, but to release what is dark. This is the air.

It starts with a seed planted in your soul. That seed is the earth. You feed it, growing, shedding, growing some more. Like the caterpillar your transformation feels like you've gone through an exponentially massive growth over 100 times larger than where your soul started.

🦋 Lift all of that up and release it. The alchemy is the release, and then all that is left is the highest frequency - love.

Love is what we create when we are in our hearts. All of the rest is created by our primal need to survive - ego. You will survive this runner-chaser torture chamber you've been awakened inside of. The Divine Heart in you is created like the butterfly... it is awakened to transform.

When you finally step out of the shadows it may not look any different to you at first, as most of your growth is hidden. Illumination comes in cycles of waxing and eclipsing. Some species have a metamorphosis that can last for two years, but you will feel it from within when your heart is ready to spread those wings.

Then... that is when the real spiritual af purpose begins. Then you understand what it means to be in your heart. Join me in healing within because this may save you in ways you can't imagine.

When you start living there, in your heart, you let the mindgames go. You let the inner sabotage go. You stop blaming your body, your choices, the dark cloud, the ones that we feel have hurt us. We are the core. We don't release ego, we tame it. We ride it like the dragon it is. It doesn't own the heart. The heart is the truth. Ego is just the skin. It sheds, it sloughs off, and it gets outgrown many times through this life.

That my friends is what the sacred journey is. This is the stardust, the magic, the alchemy... and it was always within you just waiting for the spark. And the cycle begins anew. -Aho.

Let's start the very important work in the heart. I have made this scalable for wherever you are starting. YouTube videos are always free 💗, the Patreon program gives me a bit in exchange for intimate additional general readings, or 1:to:1 takes it deeper. There is a path for anyone that desires this conscious expansion. I see the heart in you, don't give up. 💙

Barbara xx 🦋🥰👇💝🎨